Our Journey to Joining the Gay Agenda

2 Jul

All Part of the Gay Agenda

Twelve years ago today, I officially subscribed to the “Gay Agenda.” I had my first date with my now husband, Robert, and all the tell-tale signs of our militaristic gay plans were transparent even then. We went to see the movie Tea With Musollini, a movie about WWII, so we were trying to learn about war strategies from Cher.  After the movie we went to dinner at Vickery’s.  While it may have looked like we were laughing and falling in love, we were actually studying the behavior patterns of our heterosexual peers, so as to learn how to undermine their marriages! Ha!

Within a year, we decided to buy a home together on the corner of Crack and Whore.  You know us gays.  We always have high powered jobs and make tons of money.  I was a teacher, but also  had to work at Crate and Barrel, because I did not make enough money as a teacher.  Robert was a librarian at two different places to earn enough money.  We lived in a well-established  ghetto of Atlanta.  We had two prostitutes that lived on our front porch and had little crack bags that littered both our front and side yard.  More evidence of the gay agenda: we were trying to overtake poor people’s marriage first before hitting the big leagues.

Three years later, we had a big ceremony and we were surrounded by family and friends as we publicly declared our love for each other.  Of course the real goal was to destroy all of the heterosexual marriages in our proximity–not sure how, but we failed on this mission.  Our plans were foiled by people having fun and caught up in our web of love.

Because in 2004 the virulent anti-gay laws that were passed in Georgia, we decided to move to Oregon.  It was terribly difficult leaving our friends and family, but we had failed to undermine just one heterosexual marriage and thought we might have better luck out west.

Currently, I am going back to school and Robert is still a librarian. We have four cats, always a sign of the Big Gay Agenda, heterosexuals hate cats.  We have wonderful and lovely friends/neighbors that are very protective of us–clearly they are not aware of our “gay power” and yet still we have yet to destroy heterosexual marriage.

So while I wish my husband of 12 years happy anniversary today, I wonder what are we doing wrong that our union has done nothing to threaten the union of our heterosexual brothers and sisters.  I wonder if Michele Bachmann and her very “straight” husband are fearful of my marriage?

8 Responses to “Our Journey to Joining the Gay Agenda”

  1. Jennifer Lockett July 2, 2011 at 7:54 am #

    Michael, first congratulations on your anniversary! I hope that you both enjoy your day and celebrate your love for one another.

    Secondly, you are slacking on your radical gay agenda. I mean, I just got back from *Europe*! Europe Michael! and I did *not* have an immediate desire to divorce my husband in favor of a homosexual union. Not even an inkling. In fact, I bought him gifts. Clearly you are not working hard enough. I have sent the same message to the guys over at Radical Gay Family Agenda ( http://radicalgayfamilyagenda.wordpress.com/ ), letting them know that their efforts are so far fruitless. It’s likely because they did not curl their daughter’s hair properly on the morning of my trip.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 2, 2011 at 8:03 am #

      Thank you, Jen for the well wishes and gosh darn it how could we be foiled again!!! All the pictures I have tweeted of Robert and me have not made you want to abandon your heterosexual marriage? Clearly this has to be brought up at our next Homo Meeting on Tuesday.

  2. rhulshofschmidt July 2, 2011 at 8:07 am #

    We may have failed in our primary mission (so far), but what a wonderful time it has been! I love you, wonderful husband, and I’m looking forward to many more years pursuing the Agenda together.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 2, 2011 at 8:16 am #

      I love you, Boo. Now only if we had children. I’m starting to fear one of us may be barren. 🙂

      • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 2, 2011 at 8:17 am #

        Thank you, Lex. Feels as though Robert and I are becoming your aunties.

  3. webwordwarrior July 2, 2011 at 8:13 am #

    Happy anniversary to two delightful people.

  4. Drew & John July 2, 2011 at 8:23 am #

    Happy Anniversary, Michael & Robert. Of course, now that you have publicly revealed your failure, you must await your punishment. A visit from a representative of the Big Wheel of the Guild is inevitable. Prepare to make your penance!

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 2, 2011 at 8:26 am #

      Not the Big Wheel! Please don’t revoke our gay cards! I have to go, Eileen with all her regalia is ringing our doorbell. How could you have reported us? Drew and John, thank you for the well wishes!

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