Twelve years ago today, I officially subscribed to the “Gay Agenda.” I had my first date with my now husband, Robert, and all the tell-tale signs of our militaristic gay plans were transparent even then. We went to see the movie Tea With Musollini, a movie about WWII, so we were trying to learn about war strategies from Cher. After the movie we went to dinner at Vickery’s. While it may have looked like we were laughing and falling in love, we were actually studying the behavior patterns of our heterosexual peers, so as to learn how to undermine their marriages! Ha!
Within a year, we decided to buy a home together on the corner of Crack and Whore. You know us gays. We always have high powered jobs and make tons of money. I was a teacher, but also had to work at Crate and Barrel, because I did not make enough money as a teacher. Robert was a librarian at two different places to earn enough money. We lived in a well-established ghetto of Atlanta. We had two prostitutes that lived on our front porch and had little crack bags that littered both our front and side yard. More evidence of the gay agenda: we were trying to overtake poor people’s marriage first before hitting the big leagues.
Three years later, we had a big ceremony and we were surrounded by family and friends as we publicly declared our love for each other. Of course the real goal was to destroy all of the heterosexual marriages in our proximity–not sure how, but we failed on this mission. Our plans were foiled by people having fun and caught up in our web of love.
Because in 2004 the virulent anti-gay laws that were passed in Georgia, we decided to move to Oregon. It was terribly difficult leaving our friends and family, but we had failed to undermine just one heterosexual marriage and thought we might have better luck out west.
Currently, I am going back to school and Robert is still a librarian. We have four cats, always a sign of the Big Gay Agenda, heterosexuals hate cats. We have wonderful and lovely friends/neighbors that are very protective of us–clearly they are not aware of our “gay power” and yet still we have yet to destroy heterosexual marriage.
So while I wish my husband of 12 years happy anniversary today, I wonder what are we doing wrong that our union has done nothing to threaten the union of our heterosexual brothers and sisters. I wonder if Michele Bachmann and her very “straight” husband are fearful of my marriage?