12 Reasons Why, as a Historian, You Should Be Against Marriage Equality

9 Jul

Friend and ally Jennifer Locket shared this bit of whimsy with me and I have doctored it up a bit to show the absurdity of any intelligent life form that would be against marriage equality.  Enjoy and pass it on.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, flying to the moon, and pace makers

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children. (Close to 7 Billion and counting)

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. (Okay, so this one might need some tweaking)

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks are property and can’t marry, whites and blacks can’t marry, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities. (If this one does not make you spit your coffee through your nose, nothing will.)

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America. (Teabaggers, you need to look up the word theocracy and then look at that thing called the Constitution.)

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children. (I wonder if my mom knew she was breaking the law when she raised my brothers and me?)

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer life-spans, or civil rights for African-Americans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

11 Responses to “12 Reasons Why, as a Historian, You Should Be Against Marriage Equality”

  1. risa July 9, 2011 at 7:42 am #

    Alas, lots of people do believe some form of #12… # 6 burns me up though because that’s WHY the constitution was written. Checks and balances — Federalist papers #10, how to hold back the crimes of an uncomprehending and bullying majority. These folks are “strict constructionists” when it SUITS them.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 9, 2011 at 8:24 am #

      Risa, I agree. Those that would subscribe to any on this list are first rate hypocrites and have no sense of history.

  2. Byron MacLymont July 9, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    I always like the argument that many homosexuals are incapable of monogamy. Ah, yes, can you imagine if infidelity ever started to occur among hetero marriages? It’s tough to visualize, but…

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 9, 2011 at 9:24 am #

      Oh my god that made me laugh so hard! I laughed because it is so absolutely ridiculous. ALL hetero marriages are monogamous! Just look at Newt Gingrich, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Donald Trump. Oops, maybe you have a point here! 🙂 hehe

  3. Jennifer Lockett July 9, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    Cracked also did a similar satire, “6 Pro-Gay Marriage Arguments for Fighting with Crazy People.”

    Warning: Foul Language

    Great Quote: Why extend rights to someone who’s not technically human, like zombies or people with diabetes? That’s the core of opposing arguments, which do for reasoned debate what MC Escher did for staircases.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 9, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

      Thank you for adding the link to the article. I loved the article, but thank you for the warning about the foul language. Yes, TSM readers, about 2/3 of the way down there is language that can be considered offensive.

      • Jennifer Lockett July 9, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

        I don’t know if you saw, but the Cracked article was a satiracle response to NY Daily columnist’s Seth Foreman’s article: “Five Arguments Against Gay Marriage”

        He does actually make the argument that women need to trap men into marriage with children, otherwise they’ll run off?!
        He also seems to argue that only homosexuals will commit infidelity. As we know, other than Newt (who only did so due to his extreme love for this country) no heterosexuals have sex outside of their marriage. Ever.

      • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 9, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

        Yes, I did see that. I really enjoyed the article and how he addresses hypocrisy.

  4. trueconfessionsofafemalemotorcyclist July 10, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

    I think there’s a Facebook group that has most of these named: gay marriage killed the dinosaurs.


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