I take my role as a gay man quite seriously and I know I have to abide by the “Gay Agenda” I signed up for when I “chose” to be gay. It is a very ambitious day today and I only hope I can accomplish all that needs my attention. (I feel rather bad for fierce LGBT allies like Jennifer Carey, and many of my other heterosexual friends, for I know my actions today may cause the demise of many a heterosexual marriage).
Monday, 6:20 am: Reveal the “Master Plan” on SJFA and delineate point by point the weapons of mass destruction from the Big Wheel at Homo Headquarters.
Here it is folks. What you will read next is not for the faint of heart!
6:45: Feed all four cats. Oscar and Oliver both get surly if they are not fed in the morning, while Max will just get grumpy and Earnest decides to jump on countertops.
6:50: Go downstairs to wash all the breakfast dishes and then clean countertops and stove top. I will then proceed to go back upstairs and brush my teeth. This is a complicated process. I like to brush first with a regular tooth brush. I then brush again with my electronic toothbrush which is followed by a thorough flossing. Remember, flossing regularly can add seven years to your life expectancy. After flossing I like to then use my waterpik. I like to get all my toiletries out of the way before I shower.
8:00: Shave and then shower. I like to moisturize after showering, so I put on sun screen on my face. Then comes the blow drying and straightening of my hair, which starts at 8:25.
9:30: My hair is now somewhat straight and I’m ready to conquer the day, with every move I make I realize I am terrorizing and threatening heterosexual marriages everywhere.
Most of my morning will be talking with financial aid for school next year and running errands preparing for the school year. Later this afternoon, I need to run to the grocery store and buy turkey and swiss cheese for dinners this week.
Upon returning home from my errands, I shall water all of our flowering plants and retrieve the mail. I also need to clean out the shower basin and scrub the bathroom countertop. Vacuum all the cat hair from the runner downstairs. Change the litter box. Clean the refrigerator. Pick the basil from the garden for dinner tonight. Hopefully there will be time left in the day so I can get caught up on some reading. I also need to return phone calls and write a couple of thank you notes. I’m trying to finish Jean Auel’s Shelters of Stone.
When my husband returns from work, I shall make us dinner and then we will clean up after. We may just throw caution to the wind this evening and watch the tv. Yes, I’m feeling rather dare-devilish. I think we will watch a repeat of Modern Family (The Show of our people).
As the day progresses and I find that I have attended to other tasks, I shall update SJFA readers. I suspect many of you have clutched your pearls after reading this rather aggressive diary. Alas, I cannot rest until we have full marriage equality and there is peace in our time.