More on the Gay Agenda (Caution for readers)

11 Jul

I take my role as a gay man quite seriously and I know I have to abide by the “Gay Agenda” I signed up for when I “chose” to be gay.  It is a very ambitious day today and I only hope I can accomplish all that needs my attention.  (I feel rather bad for fierce LGBT allies like Jennifer Carey, and many of my other heterosexual friends, for I know my actions today may cause the demise of many a heterosexual marriage).

Monday, 6:20 am: Reveal the “Master Plan” on SJFA and delineate point by point the weapons of mass destruction from the Big Wheel at Homo Headquarters.

Here it is folks.  What you will read next is not for the faint of heart!

6:45:  Feed all four cats.  Oscar and Oliver both get surly if they are not fed in the morning, while Max will just get grumpy and Earnest decides to jump on countertops.

6:50: Go downstairs to wash all the breakfast dishes and then clean countertops and stove top. I will then proceed to go back upstairs and brush my teeth.  This is a complicated process. I like to brush first with a regular tooth brush. I then brush again with my electronic toothbrush which is followed by a thorough flossing.  Remember, flossing regularly  can add seven years to your life expectancy. After flossing I like to then use my waterpik.  I like to get all my toiletries out of the way before I shower.

8:00: Shave and then shower.  I like to moisturize after showering, so I put on sun screen on my face.  Then comes the blow drying and straightening of my hair, which starts at 8:25.

9:30: My hair is now somewhat straight and I’m ready to conquer the day, with every move I make I realize I am terrorizing and threatening heterosexual marriages everywhere.

Most of my morning will be talking with financial aid for school next year and running errands preparing for the school year.  Later this afternoon, I need to run to the grocery store and buy turkey and swiss cheese for dinners this week.

Upon returning home from my errands, I shall water all of our flowering plants and retrieve the mail.  I also need to clean out the shower basin and scrub the bathroom countertop. Vacuum all the cat hair from the runner downstairs. Change the litter box. Clean the refrigerator. Pick the basil from the garden for dinner tonight. Hopefully there will be time left in the day so I can get caught up on some reading.  I also need to return phone calls and write a couple of thank you notes. I’m trying to finish Jean Auel’s Shelters of Stone.  

When my husband returns from work, I shall make us dinner and then we will clean up after.  We may just throw caution to the wind this evening and watch the tv.  Yes, I’m feeling rather dare-devilish. I think we will watch a repeat of Modern Family (The Show of our people).

As the day progresses and I find that I have attended to other tasks, I shall update SJFA readers.  I suspect many of you have clutched your pearls after reading this rather aggressive diary. Alas, I cannot rest until we have full marriage equality and there is peace in our time.


18 Responses to “More on the Gay Agenda (Caution for readers)”

  1. Jennifer Lockett July 11, 2011 at 6:59 am #

    Dear God! It’s diabolical! “Regular Marriage” doesn’t stand a chance!!

  2. Drew & John July 11, 2011 at 8:25 am #

    Egad! You reveal so much! Only your clever use of code (Oscar and Earnest indeed!) has spared you from degayification for your bold revelation of the Great Schemes. You have been warned.

    Now forgive us as we move on to our next cog in the grand machine of the Rainbow Overlords: spackling the kitchen!

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 11, 2011 at 9:04 am #

      My greatest fear come true! The Big Wheel has now seen my diary. The threat of “degayification” ? Say ain’t so.

      Rainbow Overloards? Oh, I have to steal that! Spackling the kitchen? My god! How many hetero marriages will that destroy?

  3. Erin July 11, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    I see what you’re trying to do, Michael. You may think your “gay agenda” will work to undermine my marriage but lets be crystal clear . . . I will never clean my house as much as my “gaybors” do. Which is why we’ll continue to come drink on your porch and not ours. So there!

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 11, 2011 at 10:42 am #

      Foiled again! They will take our gay cars away from us if we don’t keep our house clean.

  4. jessi harper July 11, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    well, i’m going to leave charlie today after reading this. baby-on-the-way and single parenthood be damned.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      YES! One hetero marriage down! What was the tipping point, Jessi? Was it my dental health regimen, or my straightening my hair?

  5. Bob Gruber July 11, 2011 at 7:48 pm #

    Today, I stumbled upon a frightful commentary on EWTN concerning gay marriage. You can imagine what they were saying. It was what I expected from a bunch of self-hating, closeted gay men.

    That aside, you straighten your hair?

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 11, 2011 at 8:32 pm #

      “That aside, you straighten your hair?” Bob, that made me miss you! Y’all need to come and visit us.

      • Jennifer Lockett July 11, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

        My god! This is what your constant insistence on my hair straightening is really about isn’t it? It’s not just about my personal appearance… it’s part of the ‘agenda’!!

      • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 11, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

        I’m afraid so, Jen. Good hair and well flossed teeth: all part of the “Gay Agenda.”

  6. Teri Stanley August 1, 2011 at 12:31 pm #

    I KNEW it! Ya’ll are trying to undermine heterosexual men by having better dental hygeine. As soon as word gets out about this new trend, there will be a run on Water Piks. Millions of heterosexuals will be trampled to death at WalMarts across the country, giving you an upper hand. I KNEW it.

  7. Dave Ferguson December 24, 2012 at 9:10 am #

    Please be very careful about revealing the Gay Agenda. It was a very similar satirical article that was read as Gospel by a conservative Congressman and introduced into the Congressional record that led to the common understanding of the term.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt December 24, 2012 at 9:12 am #

      Thanks for the comment. Let us all hope that if any congress person should take my Gay Agenda story and not realize the irony they would be called out for their amazing stupidity and homophobia.

  8. Edwin Wald December 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

    Priceless. Thank you!

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt December 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

      Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed reading this article on the “Gay Agenda.” 🙂

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