A Message From the President of the Gay Agenda (Top Secret)

8 Aug

President Hounded by Paparazzi

It has come to my attention and dismay that many of our secrets and confidential pieces of information are being leaked to the media. The leak can only be known as Deep Throat II; I fear we may have to set up our own Warren Commission.

I needn’t remind all of you in the LGBTQ community that the media are not our friend!  I have been working with our Accounting department and Research and Development and quite candidly, the news is not good.  Here is a breakdown of the news from across the globe:

Despite all of our agents in every part of the world speaking out for civil rights and living in happy unions, we have yet to bring down one heterosexual marriage!  We here at the Big Wheel are not pleased!

There was almost a triumph in Oregon.  In a report filed by a heterosexual couple living next door to a happy gay couple, the heterosexual couple, Erin and her husband Matthew,  admitted that the “cleanliness of their house in conjunction with his dental hygiene made us think about going gay, but alas we knew we could never keep such a tidy house.”   Yes, I am glad to hear that we came close to destroying a heterosexual marriage, but this is not good enough.

We also heard from Millicent and Rupert, a straight couple in England, who upon reading of Sir Elton John and his husband David Furnish’s new baby responded:

It is true that we thought about getting a divorce and going gay after seeing this happy gay family, but then we thought, “children are such a bother and then there is just too much pressure to do good in the world.” One has to serve on a non-profit board, or be mindful of other oppressed populations — so much effort! And then, of course,  the secret handshake is far too complicated to remember.

First of all, I would like to know how did they hear about the secret handshake? Effective immediately, everyone in the LGBT community will be receiving instructions for the new handshake.

For those of you that are worried about leaks of secret information, such as the leak of our meeting times from a once trusted gay member, let me assure you that the Rainbow Lords are dealing with this spreading of TOP SECRET information. While here at Headquarters we don’t typically like to punish people, we must take serious action against those that reveal too much of our agenda.  In order to comfort the rest of you, I shall let you know some of the action we have taken against the agent in Oregon: We have removed all hair straightening accoutrements, he is now only allowed to floss once a day, and we have issued a moratorium on planting new flowers in his yard.  I realize this may seem overly harsh, but we will not stand for impertinence.

As your President, I must encourage you to keep up the good fight!  We will get marriage equality.  You can look for a video I have made with further helpful tips and instructions on how to destroy heterosexual marriages. I will be sending out the video in a plain brown envelope: You May Not Share this with Any of Your Heterosexual Friends!  I assure you there is some valuable information that we cannot allow to be leaked to the media.  For example, make a nice strong pot of coffee and serve homemade blueberry pound cake to your heterosexual neighbors–this is guaranteed to undermine all of those heterosexual tendencies.


President of the Gay Agenda

We Are Everywhere

17 Responses to “A Message From the President of the Gay Agenda (Top Secret)”

  1. Debbie Mix August 8, 2011 at 6:19 am #

    Uh oh–I read this entry. Will you have to kill me now? At least I’ll die giggling–good stuff!

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt August 8, 2011 at 6:30 am #

      How did you get hold of this document? I’m pulling the dossier we have on you and looking at it now. Ah, yes. It looks like you turned many a college man gay back in the late 80s. Please do not reveal any of your secrets. You are now protected by the Rainbow Overlords.

  2. Michelle Youngblood August 8, 2011 at 8:49 am #

    Also try key lime pie…

  3. arutaiMatthew August 8, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    Why are you all up in our business? You seriously posted about my oral hygiene? I imagine I will now have to weather the snide titters from my gay neighbors. Positively rude.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt August 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

      Matthew, you mis-read it. I was talking about my dental regimen and how it pulls you hetero folks into our web of gayness. 🙂

  4. Drew & John August 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    Warning received. We here at the Regal Agenda Interpretation Nexus, Boston Office of the Wheel (R.A.I.N.B.O.W.) are eargerly awaiting further instructions from the President. When the video arrives we shall arrange a secure screening for our Nexus. We commend the President for his bold action, stern warning, clear reprisals, and lovely photo.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt August 8, 2011 at 12:41 pm #

      Drew and John,
      Oh my goodness! That made me laugh so hard. Thank you for letting me steal Rainbow Overlords. I’m glad to hear that operations in at the Boston Office are running smoothly!

  5. bi-girl in a straight world August 9, 2011 at 7:42 am #

    Oh my! I cannot stop laughing! And for heaven’s sake, if you gays can’t manage to do your job right, I guess we bisexuals will have to pick up your slack!

  6. somerville61 August 9, 2011 at 9:28 am #

    As a proud and happy PFLAG straight, I promise to pass this on to my son and his DP while swearing not to divulge such highly classified information to my neighbours, well except for Bill and Rob, although as 30+ year members of your organisation, I would assume they already have the info.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt August 9, 2011 at 9:37 am #

      Also, do let your son know that his absence was noted at the last meeting; he was supposed to provide pretzels at that meeting. Thank you for chiming in as a parent. We need and thank you for being such a strong ally.

  7. somerville61 August 9, 2011 at 10:03 am #

    Pretzels! You must be joking – or thinking of the wrong guy. He’s a professional chef, I’m thinking he would have brought something more on the order of baked brie with Mango chutney.

    Thanks for the kind words, straight white guys have it easy in this world. others – not so much.

  8. Jennifer Lockett August 9, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    Michael, I noticed my husband flossing yesterday… clearly your agenda knows no bounds…

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt August 9, 2011 at 6:30 pm #

      Soon he will have a waterpik and an array of at least 5 hair care products. Bwhahahaha!

      • Jennifer Lockett August 9, 2011 at 7:18 pm #

        Oh…. my… God…. He already owns two hair products. He was glancing at waterpiks the other day in Costco… It has begun.

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