It has come to my attention and dismay that many of our secrets and confidential pieces of information are being leaked to the media. The leak can only be known as Deep Throat II; I fear we may have to set up our own Warren Commission.
I needn’t remind all of you in the LGBTQ community that the media are not our friend! I have been working with our Accounting department and Research and Development and quite candidly, the news is not good. Here is a breakdown of the news from across the globe:
Despite all of our agents in every part of the world speaking out for civil rights and living in happy unions, we have yet to bring down one heterosexual marriage! We here at the Big Wheel are not pleased!
There was almost a triumph in Oregon. In a report filed by a heterosexual couple living next door to a happy gay couple, the heterosexual couple, Erin and her husband Matthew, admitted that the “cleanliness of their house in conjunction with his dental hygiene made us think about going gay, but alas we knew we could never keep such a tidy house.” Yes, I am glad to hear that we came close to destroying a heterosexual marriage, but this is not good enough.
We also heard from Millicent and Rupert, a straight couple in England, who upon reading of Sir Elton John and his husband David Furnish’s new baby responded:
It is true that we thought about getting a divorce and going gay after seeing this happy gay family, but then we thought, “children are such a bother and then there is just too much pressure to do good in the world.” One has to serve on a non-profit board, or be mindful of other oppressed populations — so much effort! And then, of course, the secret handshake is far too complicated to remember.
First of all, I would like to know how did they hear about the secret handshake? Effective immediately, everyone in the LGBT community will be receiving instructions for the new handshake.
For those of you that are worried about leaks of secret information, such as the leak of our meeting times from a once trusted gay member, let me assure you that the Rainbow Lords are dealing with this spreading of TOP SECRET information. While here at Headquarters we don’t typically like to punish people, we must take serious action against those that reveal too much of our agenda. In order to comfort the rest of you, I shall let you know some of the action we have taken against the agent in Oregon: We have removed all hair straightening accoutrements, he is now only allowed to floss once a day, and we have issued a moratorium on planting new flowers in his yard. I realize this may seem overly harsh, but we will not stand for impertinence.
As your President, I must encourage you to keep up the good fight! We will get marriage equality. You can look for a video I have made with further helpful tips and instructions on how to destroy heterosexual marriages. I will be sending out the video in a plain brown envelope: You May Not Share this with Any of Your Heterosexual Friends! I assure you there is some valuable information that we cannot allow to be leaked to the media. For example, make a nice strong pot of coffee and serve homemade blueberry pound cake to your heterosexual neighbors–this is guaranteed to undermine all of those heterosexual tendencies.
President of the Gay Agenda
We Are Everywhere