I AM Running For President, Officially

2 Jul

My sad attempt to do drag.

While the past 528 days have been excruciatingly painful, the past week has been so intense that everyone I know is understandably in despair. With Justice Kennedy resigning under a cloud of mystery, the Supreme Court ruling against women’s rights to access safe abortions, gutting union power, justifying discrimination against the LGBTQ community in the guise of religious freedom, and supporting 45’s racist travel ban, it has all been too much! This on top of 45 withdrawing us from the United Nations Human Rights Council and insulting our former allies, while praising dictators like Kim Jung Un and Vladimir Putin. This is particularly difficult in the wake of 45 congratulating himself for his “summit” with Kim Jung Un and now we have evidence as of June 27 that North Korea is currently increasing its nuclear capacity–thanks 45–you truly are a moron! The summit between 45 and the Puppet Master (Putin) should have the entire nation enraged, terrified, and thinking about courses of action to resist this administration. It is easy to see why the nation has plummeted into great despair.

I have sadly been pondering and understanding why thinking people who experience depression contemplate suicide–I say this with no judgement, but rather complete empathy, as I have struggled with depression for over 40 years and have periodically thought about suicide. I have decided the course of action I am compelled to take, is that I must run for President and assemble a cabinet that celebrates our diversity and is committed to equity — that we dedicate ourselves to lifting every voice, and I want to be the first openly Queer President.

My platform that I will run on is:

  • Medicare for all/Improving access for all to health care
  • Focus on Women’s rights, specifically reproductive rights
  • Establishing and sustaining rights and protections for the entire LGBTQ community
  • Establish a commitment to addressing Climate Change
  • Make Higher Education accessible to all
  • Establish a Living Wage and Support our Unions
  • Develop a complete redistribution of wealth to eliminate poverty and address housing as a human right
    • Taxing corporations and families and individuals earning over $250,000 a year
    • We have over 30 years of evidence that the “trickle down theory” is bullshit
  • Abolish ICE
  • Design some form of gun control
  • Support and help to rebuild Puerto Rico

As First Gentleman, my husband, Robert, will pursue a platform of civic education for all, esuring that today’s generation of students is tomorrow’s generation of informed, effective voters and engaged community participants.

I would also appoint people who actually have the capacity for critical thought and are competent for cabinet positions. Maxine Waters (who has received an extraordinary amount of death threats for asking for peaceful protests, in contrast to 45 who incites and ask for violence) will be Vice-President. RuPaul will be Secretary of State–although bitch please, she stole my song “Don’t be Jealous of my Boogie,” as I recorded it back when I was a Ziegfeld  Follies girl in 1930. RuPaul, “you better work,” as we have a great deal of repair work to do around the world. The Grande Dame, Latrice Royal will be the Director of the FBI. Kayta Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova will become the Director of the CIA. My press secretary will be Ms. Vanjie who will replace the slithering  soulless sycophant Sarah Huckabee Sanders. John Lewis of Georgia will be the new Attorney General. Replacing the walking illiterate homophobic pustule, Betsy DeVos, will be Ms. Sasha Velour. My former student and veteran, Sergeant Brandon Robert Leonard (Army) will be the Secretary of Veterans Affairs. My esteemed colleague and dear friend Professor Lisa Hawash (long time advocate for those in poverty and experiencing homelessness) will be the Secretary of Labor. My amazing colleague and friend with EqualityWorks, NW, Juanita Range will be the Secretary of the Treasury. My equally amazing colleague and friend also with EqualityWorks, NW, Kenya Budd will be the Secretary of Health and Human Services. Dr. Gita Mehrotra, who has over 15 years of experience working with and advocating for communities around housing will be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Asha Omar, a former student and now colleague and has over a decade of experience around issues of diplomacy will be the Secretary of Defense. Jodi Sisson will serve as my Chief of Staff for her decades of experience in social justice. Christine Baranski will be my Whitehouse Counsel.

Moving on to the Supreme Court. This court has been lopsided with Fascists for long enough. Replacing Justice Kennedy will be Ms. Bianca Del Rio. With the latest sexual harassment accusations against Clarence Thomas, he will be impeached and replaced by the right honorable Anita Hill.

My administration will work with heart, passion, and empathy to make the lives of all humans better and to create greater access. We want all people to be able to thrive and live in love and prosperity without barriers. I want our country to be a place where people with targeted identities no longer have to live in fear and that all public servants operate from a place of curiosity, humility, and empathy. When we accomplish this, we will have as evidence a lower crime rate, less hate, and less fear. We can live in community and celebrate and honor all human beings and see how our diversity around the intersections of race, queerness, gender, ability, and gender identity make us stronger! Love will prevail! We will be able to see that finally Mike Pence and Alex Jones can celebrate their long lusty love affair publicly. 

I implore you, please vote in the midterms in November and change the balance of power! Send McConnell packing! In solidarity and with love, Michael.

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18 Responses to “I AM Running For President, Officially”

  1. Brian Arbenz July 2, 2018 at 7:19 am #

    If you still have openings, I’d love to be appointed ambassador to Greece, Monaco, the Bahamas or some other place with similar meteorological qualities.

  2. Chelsea P July 2, 2018 at 8:28 am #

    While an ambassadorship would be lovely, I would agree to almost any position within this outstanding administration! ❤

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 2, 2018 at 9:26 am #

      Chelsea, this administration would be delighted and honored to have you join us as we work to repair the nation and the world! ❤

  3. Susan July 2, 2018 at 10:05 am #

    I request to be appointed as the new director in the Office of Children’s Issues within DOS. ❤️

  4. BeerBanker July 2, 2018 at 11:33 am #

    Thanks to you and Robert for being willing to step up and serve. I offer the services of Jane and myself as joint campaign chairs, a perfect position for a couple of East Coast Liberal wannabe-elites.

  5. bevanyardleigh July 2, 2018 at 2:46 pm #

    Oh, you most certainly have my vote. Such a cabinet!
    You make me laugh, you make me think. Thank you!

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 2, 2018 at 4:32 pm #

      Bevan, I am just so very grateful I made you laugh, as we need some serious laughter right now in the midst of this insanity. In solidarity and with love, Michael.

  6. evelyneholingue July 3, 2018 at 10:34 am #

    Although too serious topics and concerns to laugh about, I still did when I read your platform. Love every measure! There are positive news amidst the bad ones. Witnessing the recent victories of a few young women candidates in various parts of the country has been very uplifting to me. Hearing the bad word Socialist publicly uttered was not too bad either. Things will change. Things are already changing. I keep very hopeful. But YES people need to vote.

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 3, 2018 at 10:37 am #

      Evelyne, I’m so glad I was able to make you laugh in the face of such darkness, as we so desperately need some laughter right now. I also take great comfort that during these dark times, I am community with such lovely human beings like you! In solidarity and with love, Michael.

  7. LWilson July 8, 2018 at 7:35 pm #

    You had me at healthcare. You certainly have my vote. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

    • LWilson July 8, 2018 at 7:36 pm #

      PS: If you need an ambassador to Germany or Northern Ireland, I’m up for the challenge. 🤓

      • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 8, 2018 at 8:40 pm #

        Which should you prefer? Where can you do the most good for humanity?

    • Michael Hulshof-Schmidt July 8, 2018 at 8:39 pm #

      Thank you! In solidarity and with love, Michael.

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