Today I start my first chemo treatment, thus starting my year-long journey to get rid of this new cancer. I hate that I am so scared and hate that I am causing all of the people whom I love to feel scared. Obviously, the cancer last year along with the massive heart attack was not enough. This latest hiccup started the evening before Thanksgiving 2018 when I found out that the cancer in my colon spread to my liver. Needless to say this has been a rather intense and rather sad Holiday Season. My team of oncologists reported to me that this is stage 4 cancer and that there is between a 20 and 50% survival rate. Not exactly news I wanted to hear. I feel like my body, since hitting 50, has betrayed me, or is telling me that it is tired and has no desire to continue. While most of me still says fuck cancer, I must confess that the betrayal I feel from the Trump administration and from those who support this sociopath, makes it hard for me to feel confidence in beating this fucker cancer.
The past two years have seemed unbearable, as I have seen the decline of empathy and understanding of the Social Contract, if it ever existed. The currently emboldened racism, misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia is allowing us to see the very worst in humanity here in the United States. While it has always existed here, as it is a part of the very fiber of our country, 45 has normalized the worst in humanity. Sadly, 45 and his base of support have no understanding of what a Democracy is or how one works. Even more tragic is that the GOP does not know how a Democracy works, and they have proven they don’t care and thus support 45’s dismantling of our Democracy.
What has been particularly painful in the past three weeks aside from my latest cancer diagnosis, is that 45 is holding the country hostage by shutting down the government until he gets his racist wall. In the words of the late Ronald Reagan, I say: “Mr. Trump, Tear Down This Wall.” Yes, it has gotten so bad that I have to quote a president for whom I have nothing but contempt. Of course, in the world of twisted facts by Fox News which is wired directly to 45’s brain material, the blame is assigned to the Democrats who hold no power in the House or Senate currently. I and most of America continue to weep.
The list of lies and atrocities by Trump and his administration is pages long and interferes with my ability to focus on kicking cancer’s ass. Here is my plan to conquer cancer: I have named the tumor Pat, short for Patriarchy (watch out Trump/Pence), and I have named the port implanted in my chest Mueller to help kill Pat.
My hope is that during the next year, we will see some type of harmony and healing happen in the US and around the globe. That we will not see the pure hate delivered by Fox News, Trump, Pence, Theresa May, Michel Temer, J`anos `Ader, The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, and of course Puppet Master Vladimir Putin. Let us hope people will work towards Democracy and dismantle the autocratic governments here and around the globe.
I am fully aware it will take an enormous amount of strength, courage, and determination to beat this cancer over the next year. I am very lucky. I have a beautiful and phenomenal network of friends that are on this ride with me and lift me up when I am tired, and carry me when I can’t walk. Even with this amazing support, I am scared as fuck! For all of us who are currently struggling with cancer, I say we need to unite and know we can’t do this alone and let us love on each other as we belt out our individual and collected voices to Fuck Cancer and Destroy the Patriarchy!
Social Justice For All 
Fuck cancer and destroy the patriarchy!!!!! Love you Michael!
Thank you, and I love you!
Well said. Sending you love and healing.
Thank you, Bob! I am so grateful for your friendship and for all of your support! Lots of love, Michael.
There is so much at which to rage. There is so much for which we are grateful. The chaos that whirls around us all includes our sadness and rage at knowing you carry the added chaos and pain of cancer. I am grateful for your presence in my life (our lives) and the love and courage you share with us. Keep On.
Thank you, Kathleen. I am so grateful for you. You have been such a great mentor to me, and to so many. I love you! As soon as I am feeling stronger I would love to see you and catch up! All my love, Michael.
Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
Count me in … just for you!! In your resistance army … ‘For all of us who are currently struggling with cancer, I say we need to unite and know we can’t do this alone and let us love on each other as we belt out our individual and collected voices to Fuck Cancer and Destroy the Patriarchy!’
Thank you, Horty! I love you! Thank you for all of your love and support!
Most welcome … always and forever, anytime!! ❤
You are a dear sweet strong man Micheal. How dare the patriarchy invade your temple. I’m holding hope and resistance with you always.
Asia, thank you! Thank you for your love and support! I miss you! Love, Michael.
I hear you and, as always, your words come into my spirit world.
Thank you, Mary! Lots and lots of love and joy, Michael.
So not only are you quoting Reagan, but now you’re looking to the former Director of the FBI to help you defeat patriarchy?? Wow, things HAVE gotten bad! 😉
But on a serious note, you are a fabulous human being and if there is anything I can do in terms of support or a morale boost, please let me know! ❤
LOL! Thank you, Chelsea! Keep me laughing and that will help! Love, Michael.
I am so sorry that you are facing all of this, albeit with a great team. My late husband and I faced my heart disease and his advanced MS with what sounds like a similar sense of terror. In the end what worked for us — and it sounds like you are already on board with this — is a different attitude toward our fears.
I noticed that our analogy of the health crises we faced were not helping us. We likened them to a train wreck. We changed that over time to a roller coaster. The difference? Both could be frightening, but the train wreck was only frightening. The roller coaster, however, could also be exciting. When we “bought the ticket” to the ride and faced the experience together, we could notice more and developed a sense of wonder. When we felt forced to be on the ride, we balked at everything.
I write none of this as advice, but as an offer from one gay man to another. Your writing has encouraged me from time to time. I want this writing to do the same for you. Much love.
Gary, thank you for your encouragement and your kindness and compassion! Much love, Michael.
Michael, I hate to be “that person,” but there appears to be a typo here. You say “since hitting 50,” whereas I know for a fact that you are no older than 36!
Jennifer, I so love you, dear heart! Thank you for being so supportive for the past two years of cancer and heart attacks. Hope your birthday was fabulous.
Well, even though you continue to be overly dramatic, I do love you my dear friend!
I know what you mean about the feelings of rage and hopelessness becoming overwhelming in this horrible era of Trump, and I am so, so sorry that on top of that, you have cancer to contend with as well, Michael.
You are one of the most caring, passionate people I know. Sending you so much love!
Thank you, Jackie. I’m so grateful for your love, support, and friendship. Looking forward to seeing you in January.
Michael, I clicked “like” although I don’t like the news about you having cancer. I began chemo in October for breast cancer; HER2 positive, which is the most progressive form of breast cancer cells. Also, I spoke with a lost friend yesterday who is 47 years old and currently going through treatment for colon cancer. Don’t give up. Here’s sending positive thoughts your way for healing and encouragement.
Xena, thank you! Thank you for the healing energy and encouragement. How are you feeling? Sending you lots of love and healing energy.
Michael, today I am feeling hopeful. I changed oncologists. Yesterday, I met with my new oncologist and among the things we went over were the first PET Scan and the second which was done about 2 weeks ago. He and I both are of the impression that the first oncologist staged me wrong, which meant he was using a chemo drug that almost killed me. I spent 4 days in the hospital the week before Christmas.
I’m more concerned about you. Have your doctors discussed surgery yet?
Xena, you are truly quite lovely! I am so grateful for you! I have to have 6 rounds of chemo first to shrink the tumor, then surgery to remove it, and then 6 more rounds of chemo. Right now I feel so horribly sick from the chemo yesterday. I send you enormous love.
Michael, I know that feeling. I had 2 sessions with Taxotere and it darn near killed me. It was suppose to be 6 sessions but my insurance company would not approve but 3. I have 2 more sessions with targeted drugs only, then surgery, then a year of a targeted drug. Going through chemo is not for the weak. Hope you’re drinking lots of water. Rest, rest, rest. Concentrate on yourself and flip Trump off. Your life is important.
(That enormous love feels good and I’m sending you a double portion.)
Thank you! I hate that you are having to go through this! I hate that we both are, so I’m glad we can at least support one another! Yes, I need to turn Trump off! Are you able to do any marijuana edibles? My team of oncologist recommended that I try them for anxiety and to try help me eat. We both have a long year ahead of us. Love, Michael
Michael, I am with you. I’m in Illinois that has a funky medical marijuana law. I’ve never done marijuana but want to try CBO because it is suppose to help with pain and not get the user high. (The only pain medication I can take, I haven’t been able to since Oct. when Taxotere caused a blood clot so I’m on a blood thinner.) A 3 year medical marijuana license is $300 for non-vets, $150 for vets. I had to send off to the National Archives for my DD-214 and was surprised that they sent it in 3 weeks. We also have to register with a dispensary. My application is almost complete — just have to take an “expressionless” photo without hair pieces nor glasses. So, I’m taking it Wacanda style. LOL.
I wish you lived here in Oregon where it is leagl! ❤
Fuck, Michael, this is not the news I expected upon returning to your blog to catch up after a long year of fighting cancer with my father, mother in law, and a dear close friend. You are so beloved, and I am so angered and saddened by this disease entering your body and life. 😡😭 If and when you feel like company, when if it’s during chemo, please let me know and I’d love to see you. ❤ Together we can do hard things. #fuckcancer
Hi Molly, I’m sorry to hear of your journey with your dad and mother in-law. I would love to see you and catch up and hear how you are. Let’s plan some time in about two weeks. Thank you for your very sweet note! Love, Michael.