12 Reasons Why, as a Historian, You Should Be Against Marriage Equality

Friend and ally Jennifer Locket shared this bit of whimsy with me and I have doctored it up a bit to show the absurdity of any intelligent life form that would be against marriage equality.  Enjoy and pass it on.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, flying to the moon, and pace makers

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children. (Close to 7 Billion and counting)

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. (Okay, so this one might need some tweaking)

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks are property and can’t marry, whites and blacks can’t marry, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities. (If this one does not make you spit your coffee through your nose, nothing will.)

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America. (Teabaggers, you need to look up the word theocracy and then look at that thing called the Constitution.)

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children. (I wonder if my mom knew she was breaking the law when she raised my brothers and me?)

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer life-spans, or civil rights for African-Americans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

History Bachmann Style: A 4th of July Tale

It is nice to see so many rich white faces here today

Here is the story of the 4th of July back in 1776.  At this point in time we were at war with the British armies under King Henry VIII.  The Native Americans invited us all over to share their land and run a collaborative government. Our Founding Fathers “wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”

Of course the Founding Fathers also spent a great deal of time talking about how women were far too stupid to make decisions over their own bodies and so we want to prevent:

someone’s 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus? That night, mom and dad are never the wiser.

Lest we forget that at that famous meeting between Paul Revere, George Washington, and Jesse Jackson, it was decided that,

Not all cultures are equal…It is horrific to know that in the African American community, 50 percent of all African American pregnancies in the United States end in abortion, 50 percent. That is a genocide of African Americans of the United States. It should not be. There are Americans all across this country who would love to adopt African American babies, but they can’t because 50 percent of all African American pregnancies today are ending in abortion.

The  Continental Congress spent most of its time talking about “The Homosexual” problem:

And what a bizarre time we’re in, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it…Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.

Finally when many of these big decisions were made by Continental Congress, the baby Jesus let down his hair from the Capitol and proclaimed that the United States was his favorite country and we were now all free and would be treated equally.  Happy 4th of July. Click here and click here for my sources.